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Jokes
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mail us your favorite Fashion Jokes |
What
do you call a bunch of evening gowns practicing their school play?
A dress rehearsal |
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Why
should you always be nice to your wardrobe?
If you don't, the shoes will kick up a fuss, the knickers will get in a
twist,
and the tops will get shirty.
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I was getting into
my car, and this bloke says to me “Can you give me a
lift?”
I said, “Sure, you look great, the world’s you oyster, go for it.” |
If
a jumper and a vest had a fight, which one would win?
The jumper, of course - vests are completely 'armless |
| I went to buy some
camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find
any. |
| Why is Six afraid of
Seven ? Because ... Seven , Eight ( ate ) Nine. |
A woman was asked by
a young child how old she was. She answered, "39 and holding."
The child thought for a moment, and then said, "And
how old would you be if you let go?" |
Remember fairy
tales?
Kids today have the same thing,
except they're called commercials. |
Visit our
Christmas Jokes |
PUPIL: "Would
you punish me for something I didn't do?"
TEACHER:" Of course not."
PUPIL: "Good, because I haven't done my homework." |
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Why
did the footballer juggle three baseball caps with his feet, before
kicking them at the goal ?
He was trying to score a hat trick. |
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What
do trousers read to their kids at bedtime?
Shorts stories. |
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Two goldfish in a
bowl talking:
Goldfish 1: Do you believe in God ?
Goldfish 2 Of course, I do! Who do you think changes the water
? |
What's
the most stylish vegetable?
The jacket potato. |
Teacher: Did you
father help your with your homework?
Student: No, he did it all by himself. |
I say, I say, I say!
My wife's gone to the West Indies!
Jamaica?
No. She was quite happy to go! |
A highway patrolman
pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see
that the lady behind the wheel was knitting!
The trooper cranked down his window and yelled, "Pull over!"
"No," the lady yelled back, "it's a scarf!" |
| Depression is merely
anger without enthusiasm. |
Two aerials meet on
the roof – they fall in love – get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant. |
man goes to the doc,
with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says “I’ll give you some cream to put on it.” |
So I got home, and
the phone was ringing.
I picked it up, and said, “Who’s speaking please?”
And a voice said, “You are.” |
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| I had a
ploughman’s lunch the other day. He wasn’t very happy. |
A man walked into
the doctors. The doctor said, “I haven’t seen you in a long time.”
The man replied, “I know, I’ve been ill.” |
"You look very
funny wearing that belt."
"I would look even funnier if I didn't wear it." |
What
do you get if you cross a chart-topping girl band with a pair of gloves?
Atomic Mitten |
Father:
What did you do today to help your mother?
Son: I dried the dishes
Daughter: And I helped pick up the pieces. |
| Ms Piggy's last
words, 'I'm pink, therefore I'm ham. |
A Sunday school
teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year
olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy
mother,
" she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how
to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little
boy answered, "Thou shall not kill." |
A wise schoolteacher
sends this note to all parents on the first day of school:
"If you
promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll
promise not to believe everything he says happens at home." |
A Sunday School
teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to
Jerusalem.
A small child replied: "They couldn't get a
baby-sitter." |
Wife: Give me some
money. I want to buy a bra.
Husband: Why? You have nothing to put in it!
Wife: You wear shorts! |
| How do you make Holy
Water? Boil the hell out of it. |
Granddad comes home
from his doctor and, though usually quite active with his grand-children,
seems to make every effort to avoid them this day. His son notices his dad
avoiding the kids and asks him why this is so.
Immediately the old man whisks his medicine prescription
out of his pocket and hands it to his son.
The Grandfather said, "Read that label. That's why!"
The son takes the bottle and reads,
" Take two pills a day
. KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN ." |
Paddy took his
lovable, fluffy Saint Bernard to the vet. "Doctor," he said,
"I need you to cut off my dog's tail."
The vet was appalled: "Why should I do such a
terrible thing?"
Paddy said: "Because my
mother-in-law's coming for Christmas, and I don't want anything to make
her think she's welcome." |
| "I'm a great
housekeeper. I get divorced. I keep the house". |
| He who asks is a
fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains a fool forever. |
| All my life I said I
wanted to be someone...I can see now that I should have been more
specific. |
| A police recruit was
asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your
own mother? " He said, "Call for backup." |
Attending a wedding
for the first time, a little girl
whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride
dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness,
and today is the happiest day of her life." The child thought about
this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing
black?" |
Love is like an onion;
You taste it with delight,
And when it's gone you wonder
Whatever made you bite. |
| Anybody can win,
unless there happens to be a second entry. |
| When a man steals
your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. |
The theory used to
be you marry an older man because they are more mature. The new theory is
that men don't mature.
So you might as well marry a younger one. |
A woman walked up to
a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.
'I couldn't help noticing how happy you look,' she said. 'What's your
secret for a long happy life?'
'I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,' he said. 'I also drink a case
of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise.'
'That's amazing,' the woman said. 'How old are you?'
'Twenty-six,' he said. |
How can you get four
suits for a dollar?
Buy a deck of cards. |
| It was love at first
sight. Then I took a second look. |
| "What do use
for washing dishes?" Oh, I tried many things but found my husband
best." |
| Your future depends
on your dreams - So go to sleep. zzzzzzzzzzzzzz |
| When two's company,
three's the result ! |
| Always wanted to be
a procrastinator, but never got around to it. |
| "Always
remember you are unique, just like everyone else." |
What was the
witches' favorite subject in school?
Spelling. |
Why did Santa's
little helper feel depressed?
He had low elf esteem. |
Did you hear about
the dyslexic lawyer?
He studied all year for the bra exam. |
| What clothes does a house wear?
Address. |
Light travels faster
than sound
This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak |
TEACHER: In this
box, I have a 10-foot snake.
JOHNNY: You can't fool me, Teacher... snakes don't have
feet.
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| Middle age is having
a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home
the earliest. |
The woman yelled at
her husband, "You're gonna be really sorry! I'm going to LEAVE
you!"
He responded, "Make up your mind! Which one is it
gonna be?" |
| Originality is the art of
concealing your sources. |
| What can you hold without ever
touching it ? A conversation. |
| Don't marry for money. It’s
cheaper to borrow. |
I have a great diet. You are
allowed to eat anything you want.
But you must eat it with naked fat
people. |
A wife, one evening,
drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, "Do
you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they
meet. Why don't you do that ?
"I would love to." replied the husband,
"but I don't know her well enough." |
What did the necktie say to the
hat?
You go on ahead. I'll hang around for a while. |
| Q: What is the
difference between a wife and a girlfriend? A :
About 45 pounds
Q: What is the difference between a husband and a
boyfriend? A : About 45 minutes |
| Cancelled
Trip
man's business trip is
cancelled and he is at home with a rather nervous wife. They go to bed,
but about midnight, the phone rings.
The man rolls over and answered "Hello?"
"What?"
"How the hell should I know, I live in Phoenix."
He hangs up and his wife asks, "Who was it dear?"
"Just some idiot who wanted to know if the coast was clear!" |
| Catching
A Tan
Joan, who was a rather
well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing
on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on
the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she
slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard
someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just
pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the
flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up
the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but
we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did
yesterday." "What difference does it make?" Joan asked
rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered
with a towel." "Not exactly," said the embarrassed man.
"You're lying on the dining room skylight." |
| Deep Thoughts
Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the
back seat cause kids. |
